First, Grieve for the Children

Posted by on Dec 18 2012 | Purely Personal, Right to carry, Second Amendment

As you may know, I lost my daughter Parker, my only child at the time, to cancer just days before her first birthday. I cannot express the pure terror of that experience. The reality of shopping for a coffin and choosing a burial plot for your only child is a horror that is thankfully rare in modern America.

It is with this personal experience I have a special sensitivity to what the families in Newtown, Connecticut, are now suffering. I lost my child to illness, and at least had the opportunity to try to comfort her and tell her how much I love her. The families of Newtown had no such luxury, no such last goodbye.

For the last decade, I have had an internal battle trying to understand why God or nature would cause my little girl to suffer so. But for these families, that internal struggle will be greatly expanded. How does a parent even begin to comprehend why another human would steal away their child in such a way?

With a dead child and a son now living with Down syndrome I have lived through experiences I despise. Even so, I cannot begin to imagine the hurt and raw fear that these people are now forced to endure. Our thoughts and prayers are with them.

I have learned something of grief, and the long, slow process it takes. Fortunately, there were many dear friends, family, and professionals to help me steer my way through it. Grief may be delayed somewhat, but it never can be avoided. And it is a bitch.

In the immediate madness after my daughter’s death I had little hope, and thoughts of drastic actions filled my mind. A counselor with special expertise in grieving was quite stern with me. Under no circumstances was I to make any major changes in my life for at least a year. Simply, there was no way I, or anyone in my situation, could see reality clearly enough and calmly enough to weigh important decisions.

I wasn’t to kill myself, quit my job, move away, squander my savings, start doing drugs, or anything for at least a year. And I so desperately wanted to do all those things at different times. She insisted I wasn’t to allow the pain and madness drive a decision that would be hard or impossible to undo if it was wrong.

Grieve first, then make decisions — not the other way around.

This advice not to make decisions during such pain is echoing through by body today as strongly as it did when I wanted to take all those insane actions myself. If I had gone down even one of those paths, it would have been a massive mistake. I see that now. My counselor was right. I can’t thank her enough.

I fear that we, collectively, are not wise enough to take this advice today. And we so need to. In the immediate pain and madness of this crime, the desire to do something, something big, something different, is nearly overwhelming, uncontrollable. I know what this feels like all too well. It feels like it makes all the sense in the world to ban certain firearms, throw restrictions on the law-abiding, disarm civilians, turn ourselves against the Bill of Rights, just as my desires made perfect sense to me during my time of pain.

But given my experience, I worry where we will find ourselves years from now if we allow grief and the madness of pain to take us down a path from which we can’t return. Let us grieve. Let us walk through the pain and hurt and fear. Clear thinking will return, in time. Then let us talk clearly and calmly about the serious decisions that might change us forever.

5 comments for now

5 Responses to “First, Grieve for the Children”

  1. Marijo Rymer


    Thank you for writing this.

    For the past five days, I have felt (personally–not speaking for The Arc) that too many ‘agendas’–about weapon(s) bans or not; restrictions over who should or should not be allowed to possess any forearm based on disability or history of mental illness–or criminal background; the gross inadequacy of community services for people with mental illness; the even greater inadequacy of support for families with children who have profound mental disorders and/or complicated disabilities that are manifested in extreme behavioral problems; debates about “forcing” adults to be “med” compliant or ‘institutionalized’ and more–are ‘hijacking’ the grief of those affected by the event and the Newton community. All of the ‘agendas’ (and more) bear extensive and aggressive discussion about public policy changes and those discussions MUST happen. But not now. THe Arc will be at “the table” in full force on discussions about services for people with mental illness and disabilities and support for families. But not now.

    On Sunday, my parish priest helped me to crystallize my feelings about the above and suggested that we should consider “advice” (out of context perhaps) from Shakespeare. In Much Ado About Nothing, the bard told us to: “Love one another; serve God and be healed.” Wise words penned 500+ years ago and wise today.

    I hope that you and your family have a joyous Christmas.

    Marijo Rymer
    The Arc of Colorado

    19 Dec 2012 at 12:42 am

  2. Joe Stoll

    Most often, the mantle of time settles over our daily routines. I experienced a sudden death of a loved one, and did not heed the advice to go slow…to grieve….then to make decisions, but I have righted the ship. Caldara’s advice is spot on. Heed it.

    19 Dec 2012 at 9:13 am

  3. [...] First, Then Make Decisions Posted on December 19, 2012 by onthow From Jon Caldera: As you may know, I lost my daughter Parker, my only child at the time, to cancer just days before [...]

    19 Dec 2012 at 11:23 pm

  4. Merry

    Dear Jon:

    I lost my oldest son this past October to a horrific accident. He was 26. I’m writing to ask a question since you are experienced in the process of grief. Suggestions are not to change anything for a year. However, I was a non-medical caregivier, often spending time alone with people who cannot care for themselves, cannot carry on a conversation and are in the last days of their lives. It is isolating and depressing. I’m thinking I should not return to this type of work and have asked to work in the office of my employer. This avenue is not open to me.

    What would you suggest? I’m attending on-line, Compassionate Friends once a month. I would welcome your response.


    28 Dec 2012 at 10:09 am

  5. [...] Jon Caldara made a similar point about the need to let cooler heads prevail and not to make any big decisions during such an emotionally difficult time. When it comes to guns, Constitutional rights, and the like, we can only hope all policymakers got [...]

    29 Jan 2013 at 2:55 pm

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